So yeah. Hey! To avoid any immediate confusion, this is still Shuki. This is my (probably) lengthy blog post about coming out as a trans girl! Now that that’s out of the way, I do want to say that this post will get into some potentially sensitive topics like gender dysphoria, depression, and suicide. It also goes without saying but if you’re transphobic or don’t support the LGBTQ+ Community then turn the fuck around. I’ve come out as pansexual and asexual previously, I don’t know why you’re here.
As happy as I am lately, this is a really weird thing to just sort of “announce”. I mean, the fact that I don’t currently do videos and am slowly fading into fandom obscurity helps a ton, but so many people still knew Shuki as he was, but I hope they can all still support Shuki as she is. At the end of the day, I’m still me. The person I am hasn’t changed, I’ve just finally accepted who that person really is.
I want to begin by saying that I am 100% the happiest I have ever been in recent memory. I’ve been genuinely happy during conventions where I’m surrounded by some of my best friends, but this is a feeling very similar to that, except that the only person I’m with is myself. A version of myself that I can finally embrace and love. A version of myself that can look at herself in the mirror and smile because for once I don’t think I look like an ugly piece of shit. This journey still has a long way to go. Hell, if I had to relate this to Pokemon, I’ve just entered my name and I’m trying to figure out where Oak’s Lab is.
I’ve written this paragraph about four times now. I originally intended this to be some history lesson about my dysphoria, but every time I deleted and started over, I realize that I don’t owe anyone “explanations” on why I feel like I do. It is the way it is. My energy is feminine, and at the end of the day how I think, feel, and perceive myself doesn’t match my assignment at birth. It’s not something that can be explained or traced back to an event. It’s how I was born, and it’s unfortunately just taken this long to figure it out and accept it.
I’ve felt some degree of gender dysphoria my entire life, but it ultimately started to become more apparent to me around 2015. I started to try and shake off the feelings and make up excuses. It’s how I was raised. It’s from always being with the women in my family. It’s just because I don’t like masculine things. It’s because so many strangers perceive me as female. I just really like their clothing. It’s just a part of me. I created an alternate personality. I’m just a little genderfluid. Nothing helped. 2019, as I’ve said many times, was the lowest low of my life. On top of my financial struggles, I was dealing with this. For those that don’t experience it, dysphoria often leads to depression, and when you add depression with depression, you get the key to the darkest place your mind can go. I never acted on it obviously. I’m surrounded by way too people that love me, and there’s too many people in my life that I love in return. No matter how low I get, and as often as my mind would open that door, it was never a path I could take. But constantly being NEAR the door was exhausting. I already talked about most of that previously, so let’s jump to the happy parts.
Quarantine life has given me a lot of time to self-reflect and meditate. I was happy, but I wasn’t HAPPY. I had tried to accept genderfluidity as who I was but that still wasn’t “right.” After enough back and forth with a couple close online friends (<3 You!) about my thoughts and feelings during meditation, they finally pushed me enough for me to stop making excuses and just accept it. So that’s what I did, and here we are. Here we are, in a time where I’m stuck at home and should be depressed out of my mind but I’m somehow living it up and learning to love myself. Neat.
I bring up these certain things because I don’t want other people that are battling gender dysphoria to make the same mistakes I did. I don’t regret not accepting it until now because I generally don’t regret things in my life. Every step I took lead me to who I’ve met, what I’ve done, and who I’ve become friends with. That being said, I essentially robbed myself of at least 5 years of a period of time where I could actually love who I am, and I don’t want other people to have to go through that. If you have these feelings, I urge everyone that is in a safe enough space to do so, to reach out to friends, family, or therapy. Experiment. Discover. Accept. Love. Even if it takes several years to find the right path, making excuses is never the answer. I know I said I don’t regret things in life generally, but for what it’s worth, I do regret making excuses. But that’s behind me, and I’m ready to look forward. To be honest, I don’t know what my path currently is. There’s still a lot I have to discover, a lot of professionals I need to talk to, and several more things that I need to iron out.
So hey, I’m Railyn, and it’s nice to meet you again! Before anyone gets it wrong, it’s Rai like Raichu, or the bread. Not an alternative spelling of Ray or Rae or any of that. I was in no way drawn to it because Alolan Raichu is a tubby fluff like me that I love dearly. Nope. Totally unrelated. Leave me alone. Wait no, come back, I was kidding! At the end of the day, I’m still Shuki, and I’ll continue to be Shuki! The identity behind Shuki might be a smidge different, but I’m still me. To all my friends and fans that read this, I hope you’ll continue to support me during my transition, both in identity, and creativity. Your continued support means the world to me. It always has, and always will.
Love you all,
Railyn/Shuki
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