19 Steps Back, 20 Steps Forward

2019 Sucked. Physically speaking, throughout the year, I’ve been in more pain with more off and on problems than I ever really have before. Mentally speaking, I reached the metaphorical rock bottom that’s difficult to climb out from. I hide a lot of things from the public, and even in private. My problems are trivial compared to those troubling others. I might think I’m not worth anyone’s time, I might think I don’t deserve to be happy, and I might think that there’s no changing that, but at the end of the day, I care too much about my friends and family to really show how bad I’m doing. This was me in 2019.

I was let go from Target in January since my store kept none of the seasonal hires to stay permanently. After this point I struggled with what to do. I was on the brink of turning 30, and I desperately wanted to do something that had some stability and consistency. A number of ankle injuries and my general lack of physical fitness in general meant keeping up with the bustle of retail was difficult, as my time at Target proved to me. The randomness of a part-time job made making plans and spending time with my family hard. I was tired where I was at in life and wanted so much more. Unfortunately that more never came. I was out of the YouTube game for a bit at this point, and since I no longer had the income to pay my bills much less buy a bunch of toys, I either had to shift focus or pack it up, and mentally, I chose to pack it up. The constant need to borrow money from friends and family to stay afloat took a toll on me mentally. Every time I wanted to stream, wanted to vlog, or wanted to film a review, I just…couldn’t. I was out. As far as I can say, I still am.

However, even though 2019 was me at my lowest, there was still plenty to make sure I didn’t stay there. The year started strong with being able to attend Toy Fair New York with Hassan, Maheen, Eric, Theresa, and Chris. Not only was the event itself really fun, wandering around New York with these goofs was one of the highlights of my 2019. In 2019 I got to attend my first Pokemon GO Fest in Chicago thanks to my friend Mark. While the weather didn’t cooperate, it was still super fun, and hope I can attend again in 2020! Shortly after was the North American International Championships, where my friends pooled together their tickets to buy me my giant Snorlax. It is my son and I love him. In September I was apart of one of my best friend’s weddings at the Renaissance Festival. Being included in his special day meant the world to me, and it was just a wonderful time overall. Huzzah! My highlights concluded with being able to go to RangerStop as an early Christmas gift from several members of my family and friends. Not only was getting to see so many of my Ranger family for a long weekend priceless, meeting my man John Tui and getting to spend a bunch of time with Firass Dirani after the convention was priceless as well. The biggest of thanks to Chris, Eric, Zach, AP, Liz, Sean, and Josh for the constant laughs. This was a trip I needed so much after the way the year turned out.

I want to take the time to thank all of my family and friends, both old and new alike. When you’re alone, it’s so easy to give up. But even at my lowest, I look back at the time I spent, and the time I will spend, with all of you guys and it keeps that light alive. Hanging out on RRR the Streets on Fridays, playing Pokemon on Saturdays, and all the random days spent with friends doing whatever it may be all make life worth living. Thank you all for continuing to be the spark of light in my life. I love you guys. Thank you for taking the time to care for me, listen to me, and just be with me when I needed it most.

I titled this post as I did, because I found it an accurate representation of the year. 2019 was a year of constant digression. Loss of job, loss of someone I loved (I miss you everyday MeiMei), health decline, constant clouds of depression, loss of motivation, loss of passion, financial instability, etc. The list could go on to the point where it really did feel like 19 steps backwards. But over the last two months, I’ve managed to find a full-time job, get some stability on my income, improve my mood, and make time to do more things I love. While 2019 was 19 steps back, I’m ready to make 2020 the year of 20 steps forward. As I mentioned in my post about COPPA and YouTube, I don’t know if those steps forward include returning to YouTube in any capacity, but I hope to find some stability in being able to express myself creatively in that fashion. I want to continue to write as much as I can. Maybe finally get around to working on that novel I’ve been saying I’d write for probably around 6 years now? Who knows? Having a full-time job means less free-time, but it means I have more money to commit to things I love and less time to dwell on my insecurities. I get the feeling 2020 is gonna be a bit hectic, and potentially full of change, but damn it I’m ready for it.

Thank you everyone for sticking with me, caring about me, and helping me when I needed it most. No matter where the roads take me this year, I hope you all will join me down them. Thank you, I love you, and here’s to a crazy and amazing 2020.

4 thoughts on “19 Steps Back, 20 Steps Forward”

  1. I didn’t know you had it that shitty. And I know you can turn things around. I’ve been a fan for at least a few years. I watched your Gaim reviews and I miss your kamen rider content but I understand it’s hard with money and life. If you want some one to talk to I’m Nightt.kaiser on Twitter and on IG

  2. Your awesome and I’m so happy things are turning around even if it doesn’t involve YouTube! Maybe you can hang out and do unboxings vlogs, at least for fun — but whatever you put out there know you are worth it! Your a great guy and deserve to be happy!

    2020 is gonna be a year of great things for a lot of people! You, I hope me and my sister and family, and everyone else too! 2020 is gonna rock!

  3. Sometimes life can be really bad and hit you with things that pretty much knock your legs out from under you and make you think you’ll never recover.
    In late August my best friend and roommate of 20 died. I’ve known him since the 70s. That was devastating. A month later I had a stroke. After being in the hospital for 4 days, I returned home, but had to use a walker, couldn’t drive, and found it hard to do much of anything. I couldn’t control my right arm and a lot of times people couldn’t understand what I was saying.
    What it boiled down to was this. I had been knocked down so far mentally and physically so hard that I see me getting better. what made a difference was that I had the support of friends and family to help lift me up again. That right there is worth so much.
    I’m doing a lot better, but still have a ways to go. Hang in there guy.
    Bear Ranger

    1. gezzz I can’t even type legibly and can’t edit my comment. Words of wisdom, stay off the internet at 4:15 in the morning. /facepalm/
      I meant to say:
      – – – In late August my best friend and roommate of 20 years died.
      – – – I had been knocked down so far mentally and physically so hard that I could not see me getting better.

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