Random

Well This is Awkward…

I said back on December 31st, 2019: “Thank you, I love you, and here’s to a crazy and amazing 2020.”

Man. When I said that, this wasn’t the sort of crazy I meant. I intended for lots of amazing events, creative projects…you know, growth. Not whatever you want to call this! Speaking of that post, to everyone that left a comment that I absolutely didn’t see and respond to, I’m sorry! Thank you! That being said, I’m sure anyone reading this follows me on Twitter and knows that I’m alive, well, and doing just fine. That being said, I felt it worth to make a new blog post to kind of touch upon where I’m at because somehow we’re already in the fifth month of this godforsaken year. Did anyone else feel that March was about 120 days long and April lasted a week?

Right. So, I guess I’ll start with work. I’m still at the job I mentioned in the last post. We’re currently working from home and I absolutely hate it. The day we can start going back to the office is the day I regain a slight bit of sanity. Some days are better than others, but it is still a relatively stress-free job when the managers aren’t angry at something. It pays the bills and allows me to exist relatively comfortably for once in my life. I’ve barely had to borrow money in 2020 and the times I did were the rare instance where paycheck didn’t line up with bill quite right. It’s been a few months since even that happened though. I’m really happy about that.

Alright, let’s jump into collecting! I had intention on continuing to do unboxing vlogs as I got packages, but they became a lot more…infrequent, and between either not having the quiet time to record, or not having the patience to wait to record, I usually just never did. I’ve all but bowed out of Zero-One. The sheer amount of Premium Bandai items and such made me realize I made the right choice. I’m down to only collecting Fuwa’s gear and toys, and the few odds-and-ends Progrise Keys that belong to my favorite animals. Kiramager’s toy line is…nearly non-existent. But I’m getting all the mecha and minipla releases. I plan to dive into Ultraman Z. Mostly because Ultraman is the best toku, but also because it’s shoving coins and cards at my face and I can’t say no to that. I got into Earth Granner. The toys are absolutely amazing and if you haven’t checked them out you really should. Long story short, I’m just sort of buying stuff I like as opposed to actually fully collecting anything. If I DID get back into videos, I feel like I couldn’t do toy reviews again because I’m just not buying enough of one thing to actually provide good coverage of anything.

I guess that’s a good segway into the future. Thursday was a rough day for me. We had a rough day at work and during our monthly workshop they basically said if we didn’t hit a certain number of files in a week too many weeks in a row we were gonna get written up, and that sort of messed with me. In retrospect it’s an achievable number and I sort of feel like they need me so even if I get a talking too once in a while not much will come of it. I feel fairly confident that I’m good. That being said it did make me remember why I struggle so much with employment in general. Leaders always have these expectations and potentially unachievable goals, and usually don’t take into account the person that they are talking to. Being a boss or a manager is delicate, but as an empath I sort of always feel like it’s important to understand the individual. Employee A is not going to have the same output as Employee B for a multitude of reasons, and those individual reasons are important to understand. I understand it’s hard to do as a large company, but our segment of the company is a team of less than 20. While I’m not anymore, I’ve lead a lot of teams over the years of my various sites and projects, and that’s just something I’ve always felt was important, and I really wish it was important to more bosses in the world. I guess I feel like I’d be a moderately okay boss.

Look, I miss being creative. I really do. I miss writing. I miss drawing. I miss making videos. That spark really hasn’t came back. I feel like the gas is running but the spark to ignite it just hasn’t quite happened. Like I said, I just don’t know what I would do. I don’t have the time at home to really focus on steady videos again. I don’t really have the time to stream regularly. A lot of it boils down to time. I also really don’t like my house, but that’s more on me than anything else. I love to write but I don’t know what to write about. Would more frequent blog posts actually be something people want? I mean I don’t want to turn this into a LiveJournal thing because I’m not a teenager in the early 2000s anymore, but it’s a thought at least? Anyone have suggestions? Drop them in the comments here or on Twitter. I’m all ears if anyone has ideas for what I could do, be it writing or otherwise. Hopefully I can find that passion again in some form. I’m just sort of at a loss for what it could be. Try to make it Pokemon related because I’m drifting away from the Power Rangers and Tokusatsu community more and more each day. Except for all my friends and fans. You all are great and I wanna keep talking to you. There’s just been this awful amount of drama lately from all these different corners. I’ve barely had time to check Twitter during the afternoons because of work. Let me tell you it’s been WONDERFUL. Fandom is exhausting.

You know, I guess I’ll just wrap up by say I’ve been doing really fucking good. Despite being stuck in my house that I’m not fond of, only really having work to focus on for 8 hours a day has given me a lot of time for self-reflection. Now that my financial situation has calmed down, and my bouts of depression from 2019 have all but vanished, I’m left with a bit of clarity. I’m done with making up excuses. I’m done with not embracing the person I am on the inside. I know a lot of people have been struggling with mental health during quarantine times, but somehow I’ve been thriving instead. I’ve smiled to myself more than I have in years, and it’s wonderful to look in the mirror and actually love yourself instead of think you’re actual human garbage. I’m still going to absolutely joke about being garbage though because that’s kind of my thing. Just know that I no longer think I’m garbage. If I’m gonna be garbage I’m at least cute garbage, you know? Like Trubbish. I’ll touch upon that more when I feel comfortable. Just know that I’m feeling great, even with all the bullshit 2020 is throwing at us.

Now, bring it on 2020. I’m a new me and I’m ready for you.

1 thought on “Well This is Awkward…”

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